Insensibility Towards Death

Disclaimer: I am not suicidal and I will not kill myself. Do not consider this as a cry of help or any-other thing.

When I was on the beach I saw a jellyfish outside of the sea. My first thought was: Now that creature is truly enjoying life, because I'd also enjoy it if I was brainless and dead.

This type of cynical and self-loathing humour became a common thing in my day-to-day life. So much so that once when I fell from the stairs at uni and bruised both my left arm and leg, a girl helped me to get up, my first words after I got up were: What a shame that I didn't hit my head. That must had to worry that girl because she then tried to convince me to let her help me get somewhere else. And a couple of weeks after I think she tried to convince me to join a christian club that they had, obviously my first instinct was to tell her that I was an Orthodox Catholic (basically a fuck off and stop bothering kind of thing to a christian). Honestly I was mean as fuck. Like the kind of angry teen I told myself I wouldn't become again.

After this whole realisation I think that I will start working on being less of a self-loathing dog and to be a bit more positive. But to not commit the same mistakes of being topically positive.