Feeling, again

I get it. This won't stop until I die. But when I die, I want it to hurt. When my friends leave, when I have to let go, when this entire town is wiped off the map, I want it to hurt. Bad. I want to lose. I want to get beaten up. I want to hold on until I'm thrown off and everything ends. And you know what? Until that happens, I want to hope again. And I want it to hurt. Because that means it meant something. I means I am something, at least…pretty amazing to be something, at least…

• Mae Borowski

I'm very akeen to change, I never had problems letting stuff go. Changing cities and places due to family matters made me be less emotioaly attatched to people. It's an aspect I hate about myself. It has made having real meaningful relations near impossible. And, in a way, made me scared that I might not love like others do.

It has been more than a week, after a good friend of mine left to her greater reward (massive job with good pay and a way better quality of life). I'm so proud of her.

Her departure has broken my heart, it made me realise that she's the first person I have, and will keep, properly miss after a long time of detatchment. My emotions didn't felt fake, I never doubted this sadness, like I have in other times where stuff just felt performative, parents would tell me my tears were fake and my emotions orchestrated.

I am happy that I am able to feel this pain. And I will fill it again, because I am able to love. Maybe in a wierder way, but that won't stop me.

To My Owl Emperess

From a really messed up borzoi.